My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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TwinzerMom: Whereβd you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, thereβs powdered sugar in your beard
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I canβt wait to show them the routine Iβve worked so hard on
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, βyou promised me that chapter a month ago,β it will never replace editors
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
How do you pronounce βThe baby formerly known as X Γ A-12.β?
Iβm trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
πΈ: @thesproutingsunflower
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Ah..makes sense now
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when Iβm in prison.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brotherβs name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that Iβm kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!