My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
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*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.