My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?