My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs馃檧
You Might Also Like
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
accurate
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you鈥檙e in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e seen
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I鈥檓 pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that鈥檚 how I ended up in HR.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.