My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
wtf management?!
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne