Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?