My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was