me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Had to try this trend 😊
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*