My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener