I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When can I start eating bats again.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!