Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May