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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water