I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Just how popey was the pope today?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.