Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Möther may I have a snäck
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.