Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It鈥檚 not that complicated.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
May the fourth be with you and if you鈥檙e married, may the back and forth be with you
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I feel this so hard
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That鈥檚 cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don鈥檛 put forks in the microwave.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there鈥檚 a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier鈥檚 name is Humboldt.
Whenever I want to feel like I鈥檓 at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I only eat vegetarians.
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn鈥檛 mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!