“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk