on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.