On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.