I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines