Ooops wrong house😂😜
You Might Also Like
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
wishing you and yours all the best
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.