Ooops wrong house😂😜
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after