Pandas 🐼🖤
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: can’t believe the kids keep ignoring me
Tire pressure light in my car: wow
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
#Caturday
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.