People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
He’s dead
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea