She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.