[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
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How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Covert ops
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt