Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
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the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence