I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.