Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.