The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
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#Caturday
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…