Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you