Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
58.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅