Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
2 years later
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I wanna be friends with this person
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else