this could fix me
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft