Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus