[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
This is true.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
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are there any atheist mantises?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.