Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
LOOOOOOL
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”