*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*