*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?