Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying