The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.