they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
this has to be peak English
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
why no one uses midhusbands
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.