“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Life is a suicide mission.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger