They’re the worst 😩
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful