Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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Never ghost your hitman.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.