This dudes dogs šbattle cry
You Might Also Like
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enoughā¦withā¦theā¦Harambeā¦jokes”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
At my 12yoās school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Not trying to brag but my sonās teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldnāt walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didnāt lock the locks.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: before we have kids letās see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plantās dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isnāt a child, besides itās not like weāre pregnant ye-
Wife: iām pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
So my wife doesnāt like the new shampoo she bought. Iāll give you two guesses whoās gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
āFailure is how you grow.ā
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me: youāre so wet and iām going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: iām gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: whatās upstairs
Me: stairs donāt talk
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
wtf is this choreography ššš