This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 馃槀
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Krampus.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
God: you鈥檙e an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I鈥檓 a mermaid?
God: no that鈥檚 not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I鈥檓 the littlest mermaid.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?