This trial is so absurd 😭
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Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.