told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Spring cleaning checklist…
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
How funny!
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.