8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
getting old is fun
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok