me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I need to update my racial profile.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?