He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.